“This email is to notify you about the release of your outstanding payment which is truly $15.500.000.00 USD. The New Prime Minister ( UK) scheduled a time frame to settle all foreign debts…With the help of the (OFAC)U.S Treasury Department’s and with the FBI we have noticed that people have being asked to pay outrageous amount of money by these impostors for the transfer of their funds to them. We want you to stop all communication that has to do with these fraudsters who have been requesting unreasonable sums of money from you to release your funds which they do not have access to.”
My loaded ship has raced in
It was my lucky day. I was just wishing I had $15 million dollars to go on a few vacations and buy some nice things. Fortunately the U.S. Treasury sent me this email offering compensation for past scams I was sucked into. Somehow they happened to know I was scammed as fact. I wasn’t even sure how to thank them for offering me this wonderfully large sum of money, but decided I would start with their one request: ceasing all communication with those other fraudsters requesting unreasonable sums of money. Then I would do the next thing they wanted:
“The Department’s Officer Ms.Terri Bradson will provide you with instructions on how you are to make payment of the $275.99 only for the shipping of your ATM card or Cashiers Check.”
Hey, $275.99 for $15 million is quite a bargain. I wasn’t about to pass that up. The email address was a little strange, firstname.lastname@example.org, but oh, silly little conscience, don’t let me hesitate from receiving my due payment.
Luck is in the air
Boom. The next day, I get an email from Secretary Ban Ki-Moon of the United Nations. Mr. Ki-Moon had my back. He also wanted to compensate me for the the scams I had definitely fallen pray to. He advised me to contact Mr. Rashid Mohammed of the Zenith Bank of Nigeria to obtain my “ATM MASTERCARD of USD$ 4,000.000.00 (Four million United States Dollars).” Nevermind the figure indicated $4,000. Mr. Ki-Moon is a busy man. Surely that was just a little typo.
But before I could reply to this email, Mr. Najim Adams, Assistant Manager in banking institution, emailed asking for my “full support to transfer Ten million Two hundred Thousand dollars (US$10.2M) from the fix balance sum of (US$15.3M) in the account into your account within 14 working days as one of the relatives.”
The numbers were a little vague, but this was the best deal yet! The funds were apparently from a late Spanish contractor who died from the 2004 Madrid bombings. Naturally, I was the only living relative. All I had to provide Mr. Adams with was my:
1. full name
2. telephone numbers
6. country and city
7. home address
8. marital status
Soon after, Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria Sanusi Lamido Sanusi emailed to inform me of additional luck. Someone up there must be looking out for me.
“Attention: Beneficiary,It was Resolved and Agreed upon, that your Inheritance/Contract Funds would be released to you on a special method of payment which tag Names Read as follows: diplomatic means of payment, Automated Swift Credit Card (ATM), Online Banking Payment, Certified bank draft or Alternatively, come in person to any of our payment Offices and receive your fund. Payment valued at tone of 15.5USD Million only (FIFTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY).”
Not too shabby.
Sometimes Nigerian widows ask to deposit millions in my account. But guys, I can only do favors for so many of you. My bank account will be too full.
Soon I’ll be going to Nigeria to collect the funds I deserve. Thank heavens for these nice and wonderful Nigerians, always looking out for me. And for allowing me the opportunity to better myself by providing a source for them to deposit their money. What an excellent symbiotic relationship. I’ll just have to teach them proper English grammar while I’m there. That will surely enable them to better spread the wealth around.